i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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