I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
