Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
