I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
