Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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