Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
