This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
