I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
