I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
