she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
