Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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