i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
