i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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