Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
