I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
