Fine. I'll sleep in my office
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I need to calm my uterus...
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