Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
