She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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