I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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