i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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