Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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