In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
