I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
