My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
try to milk me bitch
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
