I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize