my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
