In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
