apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
