Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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