Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
