just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Can you repeat that, but with context?
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