I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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