I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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