i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I had to cum in my sink.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize