the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
