hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
