just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
