Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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