someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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