this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
jump out the window naked night went bad
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
