Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize