i wish peter jackson would direct porn
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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