Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize