haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
