here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
