The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
