he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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