WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
