I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
