what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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