my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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