She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize