The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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