my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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