He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's blow job season.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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