i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
