I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
