I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
someone owes me an orgasm
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
