It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
